Back in 1989 when I had my first son, I was young (20) naive and very much laid back and quietly confident that my child would be happy, secure, well behaved, good mannered and all the rest. Four kids and 20 years later I laugh at my innocence of it all. There has been many sleepless nights, tears, shouting and sheer wits end over the years, what I didnt put into my first thinking process was that these little people would be affected and influenced by the world around them, circumstances, personal likes and dislikes, personalities etc. So when Charley came along I assessed my 16 years of parenting and figured out things that work better than others and decided to parent him a little different. In doing that much of my style towards the older three has altered too. I'm still the obsessive mater who struggles to let her kids make their own mistakes but i'm getting better at letting go.
However, this last week I have been browsing the BHS website for Charley's school uniform and I am seriously struggling to comprehend that my baby is about to start full time school. Now all mum's (that I know) go through this and it doesn't stop with just the first child or two, but for me knowing that I cant have anymore kids (and dont want anymore either) I am acutely aware that this is the last time I will go through this as a mother. It hurts because I love the stage Charley is at, I love who he is and how he lives in the world around him. I know he has to grow up and extend his social network, get a good education and bit by bit grow up, but that doesn't help the maternal part of me.
So given the article I submitted to Modern Molly Mormon yesterday I have been pondering if I have taught my kids all I could do over the years, what exactly have I taught them, was I too easy, too hard, too this or that. Based solely on my own experiences I have made a few conclusions:
- A yes mum always creates a child that believes the world owes them.
- A no mum creates a child that suffers with self confidence.
- Time. Simple, free and easy, just time with them whether its 5 minutes here or a day there, regular time with the kids is paramount.
- Keep the guidelines simple, clear and consistent, no buts and no excuses.
- Talk to them on their level, acknowledge their thoughts and feelings whether they are right or wrong is often irrelavent, they need to know and be able to express themself in the comfort of non judgement.
- Dont try to fix their problems. Even at the age of 4 the kind of things that Charley finds to be a problem he can work out himself with a little guidance and hinting. Older kids need their thought process to be guided, but let them make (within reason) mistakes to learn the lesson and how responsibility works.
- Never, ever under any circumstances judge your child. One negative judgement will last longer than 10 positive compliments.
- Tell them you love them at least 2 times a day.
- If they are having a hard time but dont want to talk, get them laughing, be the idiot, show them that you respect their privacy and care that they are feeling down.
- Always let them finish their sentences. Cutting in tells them you dont care for their words only your conclusions.
- With older kids, let them move away from your boundaries for a while, let them fly and if they fall be ready to love them better and get them back flying asap. Never hold them back in any way.
- Remember to share your thoughts with them, tell them how you feel about things around you but never let them hear you say a negative word about another human being, that is almost as destructive as you being negative about them.
- Kids that aren't willing or able to sit and talk, use a private note book and hand it back and forth but dont keep it laying around for anyone to see. Kids are more willing to tell us things and share worries if they are comfortable with trusting us.
- Never, ever, ever tell your best friend about your childs girlfriend/boyfriend before you have met them, no matter how much you like them on facebook or msn. Dont ask but just dont do it!!
Being a mum is all I ever wanted in life. I've gained qualifications over the years for this and that but nothing really makes me feel worthwhile like being a mother. I've made more than my faire share of mistakes and i've made some stand alone choices too that have singled me out, even with family but as my kids grow up the one thing they know without any kind of doubt is that I am here, always, no matter what, good or bad. I hope in years to come the cycle of my own upbringing will be broken and my children can become the kind of parents who are positive, confident, faithful and giving. One day I will have grandchildren and then I will be able to do all the mad things that I do with my children only worse....I can get them dirty with chocolate, tell them annoying rhymes and tell them the tricks their parents got up to!
Being a mother is my purpose to life, I am making history, raising children of the future and though my kids are not perfect and drive me insane at times, I know they are on a good track but bring on the grandkids!
No career on this earth can compare to waking up to my 4 year olds hugs and kisses each morning. No amount of money could buy the look in my daughters eye when I buy her a treat that she doesn't expect, nothing compares to sitting with my older boys knowing they are both waiting for us to get through with the 90 mile drive to them.
The day God allowed me to have each of my children the meaning and depth to my life just became more and more significant, no job in this land will outdo motherhood. None.
Nothing in this world compares to my kids telling me they love me. Nothing.
~*~Debs~*~
