Two years ago I became homeless. My now 18 year old moved in with my mum, my oldest was already living away from home so that left Kirsten, Charley and me. The weeks before I had my mum and some friends running round helping me do all I could to finish decorating the house and sort stuff out ready for stuff to go in storage. Decorating because I was still clutching onto the thought that the house would sell. I can't, at this point, speak too much at the circumstances of the house situation but I will say that I was left to it, alone. And it was hard.
Every day I had the cloud over me, not only was we going to be homeless but I didn't have the resources to do anything about it. I barely slept, I didn't eat and I mostly existed as a zombie. It was a difficult thing to deal with and undermined my abilities of being able to provide basics for my kids. In 8 weeks I lost almost 3 stone in weight, while this wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was on the verge of a problem because of how fast I lost it and how my body was struggling to cope with all that I had to do.
The day came when the bailiffs stood in my house. It echo'd, empty apart from some boxes of the kids and my clothes. I had raced to get a shower before they came, the bailiff barely gave me time to get dressed much less get the boxes out to my car. I have never in my entire life felt so humiliated, belittled and worthless in my life. That day I felt hate, sheer, unadulterated hate for the other person who should have stood up to deal with this with me. When the bailiffs pulled off, I had 2.5 hours before Kirsten finished the last day of primary before the summer holidays then going up to high school. I sat on the driveway in the car. Charley was in his car seat happy and oblivious to what was going on and I didnt have a clue where I was going to drive to when Kirsten got to me. This was it.
That morning i'd been to the council, registered on the homeless list but they had nowhere to put us for a few days. Clutching at straws I called Kirsten's nan to see if we could stay in her caravan, 13 miles away till we could get to wherever the council put us. It was Thursday 19th July 2007. That night I got the kids settled in the caravan, they seemed happy enough, it was all fun and different to them. I sat in the cosy little living room area and spent almost 2 hours on the phone, looking, begging for somewhere at least semi permenant for us. In the end Jay and his then girlfriend offered to have Kirsten and Charley for some of the school holiday so they wouldn't feel the impact of the situation. They lived by the beach and I knew I could trust them. The ex said no, Charley couldn't go there but when I asked if he wanted to have Charley he never responded. It was just sheer hate and awkwardness on his part. There was no way in this land that a judge would stop them going to a safe and secure home so a few days later I took them, regardless of what the ex said.
The day after we left the house we were hit with the floods. At the time we were in Tewkesbury (where we had been living) tying up some loose ends. We entered the town and all was normal, just raining, within 3 hours we were in 3' of water and it was getting deeper. Cars were stranded, lorries were stuck, people were being rescued, police, helpers, firemen and more were out in hundreds helping, assisting, guiding and doing all they could to help keep as many safe as possible. We drove up to the council offices, at this point that was the only place that was within easy drive to be able to stop. They set up drinks, sleeping spaces and assistance for anyone who was stranded or needed it.
We sat in the car park, watched the rain and the kids tucked in to the heap of food I had earlier bought. At least the kids would have plenty of food and drink, they had books and car games, toys and other stuff to also entertain them. We went into the offices, used the toilet, had a wash down and went back to our car. Socialising was the last thing I wanted at this point. In the car we talked, sang songs and read stories. Kirsten kept the humour going, Charley provided entertainment and I just followed their cue on getting through the next few hours. That night we slept in the car, in a car park that had no lighting surrounded by water that came 6" below the car door. We were there all Friday and most of Saturday. Changing nappies in a small car is no small thing I tell ya! How that kid didn't moan about his foot in his ear or whatever other position he ended in is beyond me!! Getting to the bathroom was impossible now, we only had the shoes and clothes we stood in and there was no way I was ruining them at this point so we used a bottle. Not easy for females.
Saturday afternoon we were finally able to get out of that car park and over to the edge of Tewkesbury. My friend Sonia had been keeping me updated with how things were, the news only told us so much but the severity of it was catastrophic more so for people who were now swimming in their homes. My heart went out to them, at least my home was in storage, the house was untouched I later found out, the flooding stopped at the curb but the houses over the road were devestated though.
Sunday lunchtime we got back to Evesham, where the caravan was. It took me over 6 hours to get to it because every road to it was flooded, threats of a bridge collapsing in the other direction and I didnt have any way of getting a route through the country lanes. Eventually Sonia got one off her computer and found a way to meet up with me, lead the way and we got there. Sonia becomes my hero throughout this period of my life. She is the one that shows me what faith looks like. Washing our clothes, bringing us food, having Kirsten to sleep over when she could, even her daughter babysitting for a couple of hours so I could get out and just have a cry without the kids seeing me.
At the time I was a teacher in Relief Society and I had never let anyone down, till today. This weighed heavily on me, even though in reality there were many not able to attend church and I was not able to even get near the meeting place!
The caravan was safe. It was on a hill and it was a blessing for us to be there. Through the day the kids would play on the garden area, they had toys and ball games, bouncy castle and football nets to play with. I sat on the patio area just watching them, loving them so much I ached with the knowledge of failure. I was learning how hard people are, how judgemental and self righteous they are. I was learning what is real in this world and you know what? I didn't miss that house one little bit. I didn't miss any of that life, not even him. I pitied him, he has so much to learn and is so cut off that it was us that suffered. At no time through this flood, (which wasn't just local, it was a national alert issue with our county being one of three seriously hit) did he make contact to see how Charley was or offer to have him. The only contact was via solicitors reading the riot act for this or that. At night when the kids were in bed I sat on the patio just staring at the stars, writing my journal or reading scriptures. Every night without fail my friend from up north would call me, I think he took it upon himself to make sure that I knew he was my friend, to make sure that I knew I was not alone. John and I studied the scriptures over the phone, we laughed, we cried, we told silly jokes. He got me through. Not one other person outside of Sonia and my then Branch President went out their way to care about my mental and emotional welfare. I didn't expect it anyway, but I found out who my friends were and who were really as Christlike as they claim.
On one occasion when the floods were easing we had to go the long way round to the caravan after the floods blocked the lane route we had come to know and love. In doing this new route we got lost, and anyone who knows me will know that I cannot drive and navigate, one or the other is fine but not both at the same time! In tears, I called a lady in our church who I knew lived close by. Linda and her husband Keith became our saving angels. They directed us to their home, they got us through hot baths, hot meals and all set up to get through the next day or so that we were stranded, or so we thought. We then found a new route that the police said was clear for us to use, so off we went.
I'm not going to talk about all of our homeless situation, this is something that is in my book, but I do want to talk about a few points that kept me going and whether you jibe or agree, I dont much care, for me it was real, it is real and I will bet anything that I managed with that challenge better than someone who chooses to not believe.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The facts:
- Newly separated
- Left to deal with house alone
- Reposession of home
- Caravan becomes temporary home
- Flood alert/stranded for 3 days
- Limited facilities
- Emotionally wiped out
- Opposition from the now ex
- Alone for the most part
- Being separated from my kids
- Realising that people are so hard hearted
More facts:
- I did not have a house that got flooded
- I was not caught in the flood in my car for too long
- My kids coped very well with it and saw it as an adventure
- My sons were safe elsewhere
- My oldest was willing and capable to have his brother and sister
- We did not go without food/drink
- We were kindly offered the caravan
- We were safe
- Help came through unexpected sources when needed
- Friends who went out their way for us
- The scriptures came alive
- I did not and would not give up and become a loser just cos things got rough
Read the following and make of it what you will, the facts are the facts and my coping mechanism is what it is, believe it or not.
I knew that somehow I couldn't spend the rest of my life like this, somehow something had to change, I just didnt know how or when. During this time I struggled with pain, frustration, desertion and lonliness and only one time did I want to give up. I sat in the caravan one night, I'd just spoken to the kids on the phone before they went to bed and I hated that it wasn't me putting them to bed, reading to them and kissing them goodnight. I went to a local shop, bought a small bottle of whiskey and got some paracetamol from the chemist. I got back around 7.30ish, had a shower and read my scriptures. I sat on the floor of the living area of the caravan, I opened the bottle of whiskey, took the top of the tablets and set them side by side. I wrote 4 letters, one to each of my kids. I folded the papers, put them in envelopes and labelled them. I then made sure they were in the folder that held all the important paperwork (birth certificates, insurances etc) then sat down. It felt like a million reasons were flashing through my head to do it. I picked up the tablet jar, emptied some onto the palm of my hand then reached for the whiskey bottle.
Then my phone rang.
Without thinking I answered, I knew who it was but what amazed me was that every night John ALWAYS called at 9pm, and it was only 8pm. I never did take those tablets or drink that whiskey, they both went down the toilet whilst on the phone, unknown to John what I was thinking of doing.
I KNOW at that point I had reached the bottom. I mentally rationalised that my kids would be better without me, that I was just so worthless that I deserved to die. But neither is true. it was extremely selfish of me and I would have scarred my kids for the rest of their lives, not to mention friends who actually cared about me and family members.
I'm so thankful that John felt the spirit that summer evening. Even he said he just felt like he had to call but didnt know why. I laughed it off and said he must be super charged with the spirit with all the scriptures we've gone through lately. He never questioned it after that, thankfully.
Four months later we got our house. What happened after that night will come later but for now, I was just so grateful that I had a Heavenly Father who reached out right when I needed it and stopped me making a massive mistake. That night I cried so hard I was physically aching, every ounce of me ached for all that had gone wrong, for all that I had tried to make work, for all the judgement and lies that were so hurtful and unnecessary, for all the failures, for all the things I couldn't do for my kids right now. I ached for not even knowing how to go forward from here. Around 5am ish I drifted into a peaceful sleep. I woke just after 9am when a fellow camper knocked the door and asked if I could lend them some milk!! I felt recharged, not fixed but ready to do another day. I had 4 missed calls on my phone and 7 text messages. The first two were nasty, out of the blue ones from the now ex. I just deleted and gave no more thought to them and moved on with my day.
While I sat outside I felt a peace in my heart, I felt like I had crossed a line and even though nothing had changed I just felt that if I go through what I have to each day, do the best I can its going to work out.
The day I got the keys for this house I had nothing here. I couldn't get the stuff out of storage cos I was waiting for the guy to come in and laminate all the floors throughout the house. For 3 weeks we had nothing but camp beds, meals delivered from well meaning people in our new ward and a lot of laughs with a skateboard on the bare floors.
I could talk all day about the reasons I know Heavenly Father loves me and not deserted me. I am so grateful that I have faith, that I am not afraid to stand up to cynical, hard hearted people and say, 'yeah, I believe in God, and I'm proud of it'. Go speak your criticising words, make yourself look like what you accuse me of being, laugh at my pain, take joy in my hurt, I really dont mind. What I do mind though is when someone tells me that God dont care because most the time, these words come from people who are just not getting what they want in life. People who look at the world and blame rather than accept that 90% of the worlds disaster is by people's choice and why should God step in when things are hard and not when its good? Why do you think this life is all there is? Do you have no dream? No desire to know more? Do you not WANT to know more? I pray for people who are so hooked up on cars, money, clothes and the like, rather than people, love and laughter, doing the right thing and just getting through whatever hard time life offers.
At no time did I ever ask 'why me', I would ask 'how do I put this right?' or 'how could I have prevented it?' but never that fatal question of why me, that is almost as self absorbing as my close call with suicide. At no time did I ever stop believing in God, I used to joke that He must really have something good in store for me if I'm facing this kind of life essential deal! Days were'nt easy, my mind was scrambled, my feelings turned off, my emotions frozen. All I kept ticking was the basic portion of my brain that enabled me to just keep going. It was the bare minimum of life, but all the time I knew it could have been worse some how, I always knew there would be an end, always knew that somewhere in the world someone has this to come, someone is dying physically, spiritually and emotionally. Somewhere in the world someone was being abused, starved or some other diabolical thing. I soon regained the ability to recognise my blessings on an hour by hour basis till I saw more blessings than I thought were possible for someone like me. I soon felt the love that my Heavenly Father feels for me.
I know Heavenly Father is real, I know Jesus Christ is the son of God and I know we all have the choice to have the Holy Ghost with us if we so desire to live the best we can. I know that Heavenly Father loves ME, I know he knows who I am by name, he knows what my thoughts are, my fears, he knows my desires and my weaknesses. You know what? He even knows and cares about what i'm interested in!
This isn't restricted to me though, or Latter Day Saints, it goes for every single person walking this earth, before and after me. Life has no meaning without the love and protection of God. Whatever you take from this post, dont rush to shoot me down and dont rush to feel pity for me, I do not want or need it. I do not feel sorry for myself, nor do I consider it all to be a worthless time of my life. Whilst I found that people will back away from something they do not undertsand, I personally grew in more ways than I ever would have without this whole experience. To me, homelessness for me bought me victory in more ways that I would have had without it.
Now i'm going to be rather bold, go find out where God is in YOUR heart, in YOUR life and get rid of your darn prideful attitude and open up your life to its full potential.
~*~Debs~*~
